can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
