i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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