she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
