is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
