Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
