i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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