My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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