It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
