I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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