My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
