dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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