Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Come share oat with me in your robe
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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