birth control should be required to get into college
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
