beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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