At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
