I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
