My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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