at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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