I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
