fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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