dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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