Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
