he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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