i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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