I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize