Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
