she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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