I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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