and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
