Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize