I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize