Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
