Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
