sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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