I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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