Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just cropdusted the office
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
areolas are like halos for boobs.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize