i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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