If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
