we have pet lesbian snakes
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
