I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
