Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
