You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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