I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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