if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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