It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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