It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
