I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
