She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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