I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How does one acquire holy water?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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