Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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