you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
