Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize