the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
