Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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