The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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