Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
