now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
