The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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